Show us the clock you'll be watching tonight.
My clock is round
It has no face
Just empty silence
And shadows grace ...
Patterns are terrible things. right now I'm bit caught between just unloading my mental garbage and pains into this blog and locking it away or trying to focus on something different , Im already half way there in noticing this again catching it before I find myself repeating the usual sort of dreary crap I get into and random thoughts and to be frank its waste..
It may seem in my own eyes like some artistic form of expression and maybe some miserable bastard out there will think they've found friend in misery but no thanks.. thats not me .. never war and I even though this isn't my best day
I'd rather try and use this to shift my attention elsewhere.
The walk I took earlier this morning didnt really help , usually I am happy to get get out the flat and feel semi awake even if on my crutches but because my elbows have been weakened so much I cant really straighten my arm leaving me to put most of my body mass on the crutches and subsquently get bruised.
The legs too though not bad are weak round knees and so because the ankles and feet serve as the base I resorted to going sockless so i can use the cold to keep ligaments and tendons as compressed as I can .
Its sunny .. unexpected for christmas eve today and with it comes memories from long ago, its not often these memories arise but the stark blue skies , sun and cold remind me of those long begotten days i would dress up in my Agassi garb and run out the door with a glint in my eye..
I cant imagine how I would of reacted then if someone had showed me picture of how I am now , though I suppose for better or worse its the same for all , the expectations of living up to that dream always falls short though for me they came like everything else frustratingly close .
At this point in time I have reached 31, I dont what that means or what I should of done but I know I have fallen short of others expectations and most of all my own ..
The soul loss , the self work and my use of entheogens have all helped somehow drag me back to somwhere where I was before esp the anger i;ve felt.. hatred , contempt , bile burning in me to dismantle and dear any one into casting their shadow my way ..
Its not good and at times uncontrollable, i forgot just how bad it was and remembered part of the reason I went into exile some 10 yrs ago because of this rage the sort of rages ironically that could of been in no worse place than some College town where those old failures get hammered into my conciouness..
Since I've come here in Madison when my black years began in earnest this set out to be the case but Ive adapted and learned to accept it thanks to the injuries I sustained along the way..
So I am still here any way, wondering now how to spend the day and knowing that really there is no choice ..
Needles are scattered all around me ,a couple bent from where the bones and clove oil reacted i.e. tightening which is of course why I do it.
The downside like today is the other shifts the happens elswhere and the moods , physical offsets with it.. today my esophagus is twisted to the point I feel sick ..
It will go in time but not if I do more injections ,which of course I have no choice but to do .. since my mood is bad..
Not a concious bad but rather an offset from what happens when things in me get pulled and strained , counter strained..
This will go on all day if I have to because ,there is no other way.. I dont have money to afford getting me to the point I or level I need to reach so I have to get there myself or accept this discomfort and the lack of any hope on my part, sometimes it almost feels like climbling a mountain and waiting to find that next ledge or jut you can grab hold of for dear life..
Days and days .. all year I have waited for that legde to grab hold of and now Ive found again and my heart with it I will never let go , I cant now any way I only have enough energy left to make it to that top , I dont know what I will encounter along the way what cold winds will might freeze my hands as I search up admist those towering gails or rocks dislodge but I know that my heart is up there and in the end that is where I want to be ..
This world has taught me a lot , its humbled me and shown me contempt and sometimes love but most of all its shown me spirit that when faced with the impossible i have found a way to surivive thats suprised even myself at times.
Now its time for change.. people make merry or whimper lonely in the back alleys of despair but I plan .. even now the beginnings are there like before, but I am reamaining silent like I did before .. let the world forget me and friends fade and die , let the time forget when I was born and how died..
- Silence -
Deafening Silence
At those gate I will wait .. wait the wait of the waiter who has been starved for so many years..
One day , One moment , One chance
It will only come once if Im lucky
Once is all i need...
I had some pot yesterday ( 7 hits ) and did something remarkably .. I managed to use the new awareness I felt to uncover the hidden tensions in my head I couldn't normally feel and release them finally undoing what those therapists did earlier this year .
The events that happened to cause that and too numerous to mention , probably more visuals than I can ever recall having and more time distortions , sensation of time travel than I can justify , each song I played felt like I lived 2 days of earth time sometimes if not more.
I was been given a movie montage using symbols , that showed me what was wrong with my head and how those events each in turn had caused things to happen.
As is the norm I was communicated with and felt the same white light I had felt in my new trance sessions and others beams , again of different intensities and colours than felt like some alien technology was being used to heal me.
When I looked in the mirror I could see flames trailing my iris like some great explosion behind my pupil and within them my reflection in my pupils as clear as day.
My face felt like it was part of some film or video that had been paused and I was able to scan over it in different directions not unlike you might a pic on your pc with a moused on some photo application accept I could feel my face changing like its energy field rearranging , reassembling itself as I moved around its surface and was aware of contours , different heights .
When I played music through the stereo i could feel my energy field around me being sucked towards it - the music and responding to it.. sometimes waves like ripples .. sometimes tornado like but always moving ..my solar plexus area felt very warm sometimes hot and at times uncomfortable.
The elctro bath which I used for 20 mins also changed the effects in some way and the pot seemed to threefold the effects I would normally get including put in me different states here and there.
When I started making big head ways in releasing my head tension I looked in the mirror and could see marks area where my head had been compromised but when I looked at it I again thought of aliens for some reason and how they abduct and operate etc on abductees , as it soon happened I saw a small cut or scar feather thin that made me think of incision round my left templed area.
When I played " super tennis " my fav tennis game it was different , it was like I was replaying moments of my past through the video game so that I felt the anxiety I did back then and emotions translated into the game .. I also felt in the game too .. the rush and weight of the racquet while executing play.
While sitting in the electro bath in bathroom I heard a voices like someone shout but it was far away , something that would just be noise for the most part but this time was as clear as If I was only standing a few feet away.
As the effects slowly wound down they seamlessly transfered itself into my own body self awayness so I was still able to release and work on my head even at perhaps only 20% of the effects until eventually that awareness seemed to get assimilated by my non pot self.
These are some of things I recollect from the many that happened to me last night..
The irony is not lost in the title and the whole persistance of the Jesus theme either or the fact there is more that a hint of the same thing in my life , or at least was.
The battle within between the re-integrated soul parts I lost almost 10 yrs ago and the current me has reached a stalemate of sorts for now . Just now I am not quite so strong as I was with this awareness it gave me but I am also not lost of it, of course this is in no small thanks to my legs and elbow being weakened over 2 consecutive days and my efforts to stop my body rubbing against the top of the crutches. It maddening for certain , I cant go anywhere I had to argue to get my friend to eventually give me some of his food ( he doesnt have much either but he can walk ) and then lie here for hours on end and days now to try and realign myself like some jigsaw puzzle that refuses to go back into place.
This helps even if no one reads it as I need to express one way or the other and right now my favourite way i.e. poem is not happening given all this so I just wait ..
Tomorrow is my deadline as I have made another appointment with the Prolotherapist, I can only afford one area so Im looking for the largest to see how it can change things i.e. the back / spine with an intent to focus on the Flave ligament which is close to the dura that I believe maybe quite comprimised since all this happened.
Thats the idea any way and it will prob mean no treats no 1 hour writing in Macdonalds and drinking cheap coffee..
No Jingle bells for me and certainly no mistletoes
But who cares I've suffered almost as long as Job now and I'll be around in one form or another fighting my cause long after these bastards around me have used up their Christmas tokens and shrivelled up under and their makeup.
This painstaking waiting only makes it more sweeter now I am more integrated because now Im togther at least in soul and Ive seen how difficult it is to fight , to try and believe when all the odds sseem to be against you I will never let myself fall apart.
I am going to win this war, even if I have batter my way through a million obstacles to get there..
9:20 PM
Music: Silence..literally other than some mental foreplay between body and mind
Location: At home ( flat ) lying on my mock bed i.e. matress in the living room ( I have no room ) and my possesions scattered here and there around me
Head Tenison: West to east from the base of my nose in clockwise semi circular fashion all the way round to the base of my skull just above the neck , its been wose far worse this is bearable..
Today was DIY day or D Day for short, its not bad but its not great a proverbial checkmate of will emotion and body where you see which way the see-saw swings..
i.e. WILL
EMOTION
BODY
As opposed to
BODY
EMOTION
WILL
So this is what I am doing now and have been doing all day other than lecture Steve my room mate on his foolishness on dating girls too young for him with bad bipolar and telling my other room mite( I meant it too ) why fashion would be more interesting if it used my Chaos Theory System..
Thats about it..
I recently wrote an email as I have to others who comprimised my health , hope and ultimately my life , whats left of it .
As I expected the conductor himself didnt show face , at least not yet, but the secondary culprit in question did and as usual as she does for one who apprently operates in the astral displays all the compassion and trademarks youd expect from someone who apparently enjoys helping others esp when , like me , they have nothing else to lose.
Her response then below..
"
But this is thing ladies and gentlemen although I accept we do have choices depending on how bad or ill we are, they are limited once that " healer " has won over your trust and given your authority to act at their own whims which ,you'd naturally assume where good ones - esp if when used in religious or spiritual context ,after all in the end that is why we seek help in the first place , isnt it ?
What am I or any one else supposed to do when putting our lives , our health in the hands of another , what does it say that they do not even acknowledge the very act of you doing that , and importance of what it entails if their prepared to blame you at the first signs of something going wrong ?
Did they even think they could help you in the first place ?
A bad workman always blames his tools as the saying goes , and this case given I happened to be tool .
If any one else has faced similiar experince from her or any one like her I'd be intersted to hear from you , its bad enough the medical community at large is influenced by the lure of drug company money but even worse when you have people claiming to be of a " Higher Frequency " who are everything but.
The funniest thing about her response though if theres any mirth in this is the hypocripscy of the line I underlined ,
she may well want to believe she did nothing to me but as you've come to see from the tone of my post and poetry and the events that have taken me here I simply do not decide to go to live as I do and work night and day on getting better for the fun of it.
All in all this reminds me of another site that uses big words in its address to catch the unwary www.poetry.com
which almost had me fooled too until I googled it and found out otherwise.
Thats it for now
Goodnight and Merry Christmas
I dont know what to do..
Its like waking up and imagining I could play tennis again or walk on two legs
Have the pretty girl like me without spending hours trying to hold my cranial bones together so I had shot..
Death feels with me for the first time in years, since I first started the process of what has been the most intense and terrible journey of my life.. but maybe finally its reaching that conclusion I have waited and prayed so long to have..
I have made so many compromises .. been insulted by doctors , ripped off by friends , berated and isolated by friend and peer alike and ultimately been abandoned ..
This could come off sounding insincere or sob for the ages but its actually not, i couldn't be more sincere than I am right now because there is no more of me left.. the personality ..the fighter ..ego need to win got effectively destroyed for the very last time 2 nights ago and I cant get him back..
Yes i am still trying to heal myself but its not the same now hes gone, where before i would spend hours caught up in the results I can now acknowldege the integrity in my battle , the years Ive fought for those precious moments and joys of knowing that in the end there could be no better way than the way Ive been trying ..
Yes it sounds horrific doesnt it ?
To be trapped as it where locked in eternal combat , struggling like your being drowned or suffocated of fresh air but sometimes there can be no other way for you see I realise now that the person I wanted to be had to die in order for this to happen, and that as long as the possibility of that other person existed it was only going to make fate harder..
And thats just how its been
From the day i had what was a " shoulder problem" I refused to submit my then dreams , I would of done rehab night and day to have that chance of playing tennis and then the cranial problem crippled me..
Oh I don't what to admit it but i know deep down these crutches a permanent , ligaments that I need injected are not reachable and tests i need to vindicate myself are too expensive or simply wont be entertained by the good doctors..
So today i just sat and waited like I am now .. to feel death like I was watching replay of my life on video.. each second , each minute as i sat on the bus in silence .. a silence that has not been now for 10 yrs
It was no suprise then as I thought of my death.. how long I waited to be released of this body and what has been for me at time almost unbareable suffering at times that I passed through a graveyard on route , it was no concidence .
I don't whether to laugh or cry that this time it will happen.. I can finally be free after all these years and maybe leave a legacy for myself I can be proud of.
Finally after a lifetime of waiting I finally heard those words I wanted to hear .
This ties in with the Transformers cartoon from youtube I linked with and many other themes I've encountered since my unbelievable health situation took hold 4 yrs ago and put me on parade for the rational intellectuals , religious & spiritual zealots to use at their own leisurely leisure's.
This is for you all but above all its for me and all those years spent searching in vain.
Amen.
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What is your favorite board game?
Submitted by I'm Unique.Risk or Wealth of Nations with a nod to checkers and monoply closely followed by connect4
