Much like everything else in my life I seem to work my backwards the things most young adolescents experiment with I am doing at much later stage in my life, my needs are of course different as well but the end result of taking those things doesnt deter from the overall risks and dangers. This morning then I embarked upon a new adventure which I experimenting with - tobacco .
Though I am not partial to tobacco as most other guilty pleasures of the masses like drink - I much prefer pot , mind expanding substance - I decided I would try these cigarettes because they are different and in fact scented with believe it or not - clove oil..
Aside from the risk of become an addict to this I have decided to take / try these at the prompting of a friend who is using them to help their their neurological challanged condition and as result I thought , because of my own problems , I might as well give them shot too.
Ignore the smoking kills sign at the front and all the good things that come with it because it really dosnt matter now any way, life kills and living isnt helping much , so instead I traded in my valuable years to see if this could help instead - and so far it has..
So far I feel relaxed and so far considering how bad things have become that really isnt so bad at all .
The cost of these things however is another matter at £6.50 a packet for 20 its not cheap but perhaps , based on what I feel so far, a welcome reprieve from being reminded of what had become my forgettable time here on planet earth.
No doubt my lungs will be affected as I suffer from asthma but that doesnt seem to matter much now any way ,like most things we all die and get worse, Im just speeding up the process and frogoing some of the misery inbetween.
I took my first hit of N20 today as I expected the gas tightened my skull given its anaesthetic properties..
Its not big high but then I only took one whippet and feedback has been visual for most part ..
My throat happen to be bit try but I used plenty of air in balloons I figured Id play it safe given my body is not like typical person ..
Visuals are still quite intense unfocussed in particuliar the screen whitness is quite bright - not unlike the same sort of experince I had back in 99 when I had eye problems for a long time..
There is no pain as such yet but the effects are still there and Im not sure whether to be worried or happy..
The following is a recount of events since my B-day In March more for my own accounts but for any one else interested too..
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In March I did an injection on the zygomatic are ( left cheek ) which the needle was at right angle to my face or from where I’m sitting here , towards the window ledge ( far ) This injection was not bad in itself but I tried to waylay the tightness by shifting dynamics it in another direction – much like I did with cranium 02 .
There was no apparent problems which alerted me until I attempted to walk in Inverness which results in cold numbness in my brain from torque .
This numbness was not unknown to me as it usually accompanies signs of ligament / fascia weakness , at the onset of this problem I notice a dramatic decrease in sensation in my hands , probably the worse I have ever felt .
Given the area of weakness strain was round the left occuipt and followed an arch down to my nose .
I tried to combat this by taking stress off skull – no vertical movements and using injections.
As it was injecting through the nose into the cheek that started this problem I opted for other means and focused on the upper gums under the area of stress.
I injected then use midline from the gum up towards to the side of the left nostril and was successful in regaining feeling in hands .
This injection only lasted for short period esp while walking given the extra stress so again I looked to other means to try and stabilise things.
This time I went round the back left side of my molar in an attempt to find an opening I could use and successfully managed a shot which shifted my cranial dynamic quite radically , most noticeably jaw muscles which had been displaced i..e
The mandible one on left side ( round molar ) being round the lower clavicle.
Although this stabilised things so I could walk without fear of stresses altering cranial dynamics and my state of neuropathy it did not improve on the lack of feeling I still felt much.
I thought by addressing the palate and other areas I could stabilise things further and so I returned to the US to receive intra cranial injections which in some ways did work.
During this time with walking so much the shot I did weakened and I started to get very bad neuro meaning that my shot or attempt to stabilized had failed ultimately.
I had tried to take some measures before I left to address what had me some tell tale signs of this by reversing the process but my attempt to try to locate and force the muscle that I shifted under my chin , jaw only resulted in failed attempts and me weakening other areas instead.
I had 2 appointments with my doctor and it was noticeable once again that my jaw was again being a problem in the sense I could not open it significantly even with shots to cranial muscles to help support it.
Perhaps the is part was the time needed for the proliferation to kick in as is usually the case and yet during our second appointment he was unable to make any impact on the palate other than at the front which he had more success with.
During that second appointment he also at my prompting attempted a shot on the nose which along with midline shots on frontal palate and prior shots on zygomatic arch / jaw muscles / temples succeeded in pulling things together.
Its wasn’t till the day after when I started to feel relief from terrible neuropathy / crawling / hot sensations I had felt in my legs and hands which continued – probably as result of non walking for the better part of 3 weeks .
Like my own attempts though these shots have slowly started to weaken causing me to try to rebalance things and compensate for tensions now apparent.
Without any recourse and apprehensive about weakening my skull using unnatural methods (electronic sound percussion vibrations ) for fear of not knowing if my neuropathy would get worse or being able to observe how effective the intra cranial shots I had were i.e. through means of which areas were still strong I waited.
Unfortunately this did not stop me having to make adjustments and in the process
Experiencing terrible torque on my law law muscles and gums .
I tried to tackle this but inadvertently caused what felt like my oesophagus being pulled down my spine and in the process weakening my abdomen and shoulders /s pine.
This continued to get worryingly worse and I had some flashbacks of the my original cranial problem and similar experience i.e. this sense of having had swallowed myself.
At the time I managed with great effort and the fact my skull was still strong to push my oesophagus up and out and over my mouth . Not only did this change my posture and height at the time but it finally cured / gave me relief from the terrible gastric aliments I’d been experiencing at that time.
In any event the torque on my jaw suggested that was the area that needed addressed and so I did small shots round the muscles there and in turn managed after a day of concentrated efforts to push that areas back out which in turn seemingly rebalanced things including the terrible anxiety / sense of sickness , fullness.
For better or worse this has thus far allowed me to see that my left temple area is weakening and again causing problems whenever there is pressure on it i.e. my neuropathy gets far worse as a result.
Something else I have noticed too is that the intra cranial shots seemingly have resulted in the weakness of the other areas below it that I had strengthened , noticeably my groin , ankles, knees , and spine .
Some lower shots round the SI helped ease this and waylay the sense of depression I was feeling from the relapse and the effect it was having i.e. from the tension which in turn affected my mood.
Given the affect of lower body on cranium I am especially nervous about this weakening which I can only address marginally before it gets worse .
You live in a wood
Thats far away
past the old man
who has lost his way
under his cart thats filled with rye
over the hill when the moon is high
In an old loft
And then through the hay
Out through the window
Where the old cat lays
Round a pipe
And down a tight lane
Back to the forest
From which you came
I am sitting so very far from you
So far its feel cold
In my iron grasp
A sadness that grows
A tomb of flesh my testament
To everywhere I've been
Looking through these narrow gaps
With tears thats never seen..
The being known as me earned his stripes tonight amid wrestling with himself upon the barren floors of no 43..
God knows why because I felt I deserved it long enough but while listening to ( WE CARE A LOT ) by FAITH NO MORE I felt quite bit of pride for the being known as me , I quite literally have been up trying to wrestle with the body a good 2 days now literally non stop .. no one can help me , and the guy I thought was my friend copped out on me as usual no doubt to spend time with his real friends but in any event I dont care..
Tonight I as if by magic that song played and something clicked..
Call it moments but its usually when hearing certain songs that I something within me wakes up thats been asleep for long time.
I dont think there is another human alive who could live with this .. my " unique problem " and in a perverse kind of way Im flattered..
- " Its a dirty job but someones got to do it "
Even if Im crippled and bent over with pain the sun can still shine for a few who fight in vain
Just memory
Thats been earsed
Throw into the litter
Without a trace
And for a second
I almost thought I was alive
When I held you in my arms
With my heart burning inside
But it was never more than a passing moment
Before the briefest of escape
Back into your waiting arms
And the knife you held in wait..
The minutes tick
The heart beats
The weathers the same
And my hope seeps
Like clear nectar
From the highest petal
Where no mans gazed
From the highest peak
Of the Highest mountain
On the cold and clearest day..
Incase your wondering
Or I forget
This about the friend you think I should rather forget
Its a bitter irony
When you know
That only real person you meet thats got your back is the one who would cash in your soul
The irony in lifeIs that it seems
The answer to the question always lies in
where you've been..
